I want to share something today with you. Maybe it will resonate. And I would love to hear if you had a similar experience.
So, I will start from the incident, which haunts me to this day, and although I did a processes on it, for some reason it stills lingers. 23 years later.. maybe it's time to do a self-encounter in my next supervision session...
When I was 22 years old, at the beginning of my second year at the Hebrew University. Colleagues and friends were sitting outside on the lawn on this perfect autumn morning. I was talking enthusiastically (loud) and probably making jokes. This was after the summer break and I was glad to see them, knowing I had withdrawn from them, as I didn't feel welcomed. Then, a so-called friend, whom I used to share rides to work with and and study with for a long year or so, said: "Aline, why do you have to be so 'cheered' and 'zesty' all the time?". A silence fell upon the group. I felt like his accusation was shared and already talked among those people, way before he presented it to me, in that forum.
At that instant I felt so humiliated. And a wave of shame came down on me.
Since that moment on, something was turned-off inside of me. I felt like my whole existence was too much for other people around me. That "being me" was too much. So I became quieter, reducing myself near others and obviously tried to avoid this "friend" and his group. I must admit it took me almost a year to come out from that shock. And as I said, it still lingers.
Why am I bringing this up? Well, because we can look at this case and understand the dynamic of the survival strategies working here. I am sure this kind of reaction happens all the time in different situations in our lives. So, why are we "nasty" and diminishing to other beings around us? Why did Fabio (not real name, but pretty close) found himself triggered and alarmed by my aliveness? Why people find joy annoying? We know now that these reactions come from a deep feeling of rejection and a loveless childhood. Also comes from a loveless ancestral line, which we hold in us the patterns from those before us.
What happens to a child who was raised in a loveless environment? What happens to a child who could never explore and experience his lust for life? That is always told to "contain himself" "behave" "sit still" "not making any fuss" "be quiet" "don't be childish"? They turn to be adults who pass on these same patterns, behaviors and understanding of the world onto others around, and sure enough to their children. (They usually will marry their "mother" type who will control every aspect of their lives, judge the way they dress, whom they meet, what they drink).
We can't be 100% well 100% of the time. We are triggered a lot during the day. My happiness, loudness, cheerfulness and aliveness triggered something deep in Fabio's psyche. His own suffer and rejection. Maybe he wasn't allowed to express his own life force when he was a child. Maybe his mother could not love him when he acted out his 'aliveness' .. and at that moment, when I felt so high with joy - he bursted in pain. My reaction was to diminish myself back to a known place of nonexistence, where I can't be rejected. As I was from the moment of my conception. Fabio triggered something so deep and he left me feeling 'naked' in front of the group.
Today I can see that and hold my rejected self with love. And with a lot of compassion, and shout from the top of lungs:
I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR BEING ALIVE!!
thank you