Hi all brave souls out there and welcome to TrueSelf blog.
Today I will be writing about a very common survival strategy I ofter used for so many years - of course unknowingly, and thought it was just me and the way I am. But before I do, I will talk a little bit about our early life. Bare with me, it is a little long, but I am sure you will benefit from this.
As a tiny baby in our mother’s womb and until we around 14-15 years old - we are totally dependent on our parents in order to survive - we need to be fed, we need fiscal warmth, emotional contact for a healthy psychological growth. But I will talk now only about the true early age - the pre-verbal from conception, through out the 9 months of pregnancy, the birth to the first year or two of our lives. At these stages we are totally dependent on our mother. We need her womb to grow, we need her attention to us, we hear, feel, smell and taste and experience the outside world through her. And after we are born (and lets’ pray it was a good, welcoming and natural birth) - we are at her mercy as well. A baby, in order to survive needs his mother's milk to be nurtured fiscally but also psychologically. We need her to bond with us in order to feel safe and in order to understand the world through her eyes and face. We need the sense of belonging to the system we came into. We need the human touch, we need to be SEEN and feel wanted and loved.
So what happens to us when we can’t talk, walk and communicate with the world in the pre-verbal stages in case all of the above doesn’t occur?
If my mother is NOT available to me as a baby? Due to her OWN problems and unresolved issues she can' t bond with her own child? What if she doesn’t want me at all and when she found out about me in her womb all I felt was a rush of cortisol and other high stress hormones? How did my tiny body felt when she said "NO" to me in her? What happens if for 9 months she (knowing or unknowingly) eats poorly, drinks alcohol and consume other substances? My psyche will split in order to survive this environment. I will serenader my needs and wants at this very first moment. My endless love will be shut down and put on hold and I will comply from that moment on to any and everything my mother needs and wants - so I can SURVIVE. Without her - I am dead. So IF I BEHAVE and comply - she will “love me” and she will feed me and we will be OK. Then and there the pleasing self emerges as a survival strategy.
So, when I am born - I know my role in this system - I need to please in order to survive. I can’t be ME - I need to be anything my mother need me to be: a good and quiet girl, who sings and dance for her friends to be loved and looked at, a great student - later on I will be the pleasing worker (so I can belong to the working environment as well) - the one that the boss loves to give extra work to, but never appreciates or pays for her amazing work… I will be the pleasing girlfriend looking for someone to love me and do anything to make him stay. I also will be the pleasing citizen waiting for the "elected" to fulfill me wants, knowing that just like parents, those empty words before the elections were theirs to manipulate my needs...
I will live my life “sideways” from my true nature - thinking this is just "the way I am" because I need to please in order to survive.
Fortunately we can know about these patterns and behaviors and yes - It’s possible to break them. Through understanding and looking into these places - I gane back myself. Step by step. Slowly but surely.
What do you do and you know it’s not who you are in order to cope with unknown early traumas? Write to me.
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